Well, you shouldn’t be asking this; you should wonder why people married in the first place? Falling out of love inside the marriage is as inevitable as the rising sun and deep in our hearts, we know it – but we still get married anyway. However, this is not the question I have to answer here so let’s forward the time a little bit and ask just why married people fall out of love. If you want to get into the heart of matter, you should be able to have some idea just what you think love is.
What is love? – Define it if you can
This is kind of question kids who are wondering how grown up couples can stand each other ask (if only they know the truth behind closed doors). Since time immemorial, people are preconditioned just what romantic love and this is all about commitment, giving more than taking, being impossibly happy with each other and the lot. Love is sacrifice. Love is long lasting. Love doesn’t change. It brings us happiness. People who are in love defy the world so that they can have the fulfillment of their love – which is basically marriage and happy ever after, so much like the fairy tale. Now, is this the kind of love you are expecting? Is this how you define love? If this is so, then you will certainly kill it the moment you said your vows because marriage has a way to show you reality and this is so far removed from what a romantic love fairy tale, movies and other forms of media portrays it to be.
Your definition of love is the reason why you fall out of love
Marriage is like a stage, a play pretend. The first time you play it can be exciting. You are at the peak in your love relationship with someone. But you know that if you are at the top, the only other way is going down. Once the newness of it wears off, love is not so exciting anymore. It gets to be boring and eventually, distressing. This is because both of you can no longer keep up with its initial definition. And if you are no longer happy with each other, then this must be falling out of love because love is supposed to be happy, caring and totally unconditional. So, this makes you and your partner decide that you both fall out of love because both of you can no longer equate what you have now on how it used to be when you just married or before it. And because of this, you both think what you are feeling now does not define what love is supposed to be; hence, this must be falling out of love and no turning around it.
People marry for the wrong reasons all the time
You would want to think that you married because you love or loved your husband or wife. But in reality, you might have married your husband or wife because they fit the profile you had in mind for someone to love. And when this profile ceases to exist, you found yourself unable to “love” the person your partner evolved into. Because you see, people change, you change. We can’t be who we are before. And at times, change can be instant that you might just wake up one morning looking into a stranger’s eyes. This stranger, you may not want to love because this person is not somebody you were preconditioned to love; because this person you called a wife or a husband might no longer be able to love you in return because you became a disappointment. And all of this happened because of preconditioning and misconceptions.
So what should you do if you don’t want to fall out of love?
You have married this stranger; you have supposedly loved this stranger. And after years of being together, annoying each other, disappointing one another, you have decided love is no longer there and it is time to exit. And you are no longer happy with this person you think love must have abandoned both of you. And you are likely right, that is, if you still hold this misconception in your heart; if you have allowed this preconditioning reign in this whole time you have been married. But let me ask you this, is love all positive? Is love all about happiness? Is love all about being excited and fun? You know the answer and it is a big NO. Falling out of love is admitting a weakness and continuing in a misconception. If you continue to hold this definition, you will likely fall out of love again with another person whom you want to love for the rest of your lifetime. So the best thing that you can do to stop this cycle of falling out of love is to let go of your definitions of love and start seeing your partner as a person; as someone you can be with through sickness and health if you choose to stay. It’s all a matter of choice and of growth.
Love is truly what it is if you don’t make it matter anymore and if you just continue to appreciate the person you married. Sure, your partner is not perfect. Sure, your partner no longer is as exciting as before – and you should accept so are you. But if you choose to know the person again and again then you will realize marriage is always new. This can be a cycle of endings and renewal. And if you are able to achieve this, the question of falling out of love won’t be such a big deal because you know you will just fall in love with the same person again.